Ahmed – Melbourne, Australia

For many years, I was seeing the same therapist (Muslim) on and off, primarily in her office and occasionally, if need be, through video-link when I was living abroad. It was mainly talking therapy in regard to my SSA and my anxiety, practising various breathing techniques. I would say, not much, If anything at all was achieved in regards to my SSA, as my conflict, cognitive dissonance, anxiety, and distress remained and only worsened as I got older.

However around three to four years ago when I returned to my homeland, I had a major nervous breakdown, I was filled with extreme terror, anxiety, and distress. My Anxiety returned, I was an absolute wreck and I was rushed to the emergency room on a number of occasions due to severe panic attacks that kept returning for months on end. My therapist recommended me to an apparently “excellent, brilliant and strong” clinical psychologist, (who held a PhD in psychology), whom she often referred her clients to in cases she could not handle, she told me he would respect my belief system, morals and values (he is an orthodox Jew himself) so I was incredibly excited for the appointment.

I entered his office, he seemed incredibly intelligent, very intrigued, he listened to me talk for a long time about the distress I was feeling in regards to my sexuality, basically I was desperately wanting to know if it will be possible for me to live my life with some satisfaction even if I DON’T embrace a Gay identity? He presented, as he put it his “honest, sincere, compassionate and genuine” advice: He looked directly into my eyes and stated (I remember every single word and the look on his face and mine whilst he was speaking):

“You have TWO options: you either remain the way you are now, MISERABLE, depressed, anxious, in conflict, and keep SUPPRESSING your true identity, OR you come out as Gay, embrace your true identity and be HAPPY living the life according to your true authentic self like my many other Gay clients.”

When those words were uttered, my life was literally shattered before my very eyes, from that day onwards, I was in absolute panic, I cried in my car for more than four hours, the most intense tears that even soaked my clothing. The same day, I had a non-stop panic attack which felt as if it lasted forever, my parents took me to the hospital in the middle of the night because I was going insane. I never returned to that therapist, in fact, even now I get filled with intense dread whenever I remember his words (which have become stuck in my mind and cause terror. Those words felt so real to me), even thinking about him or his mannerisms haunt me till this day, in the office or in moments I have distress about my SSA. The circumstances that followed, and the advices only worsened the more therapists I visited – every therapist I saw in my country has either directly or indirectly pushed me to affirm a Gay Identity even after I explain to them I want to live by my values.

What sort of things helped you in your journey and through your struggle?

Seeing an international therapist who helped SSA clients maintain their values, reduce the shame associated with SSA desires and deal with past trauma. It taught me to address my healthy male friendship needs. Reading success stories of men with SSA who are living their lives happily, either as celibates or as heterosexually married individuals also helped.

What things did not help you in your journey?

Enforced Gay affirmative therapy – I was repeatedly coerced and heavily pushed directly or indirectly to accept a Gay identity and urged to explore my sexuality; this has caused me extreme anguish and distress.

Any additional comments you wish to make?

Please allow us to choose our own path – adopting a gay identity does not work for us. We accept the path LGBTQ people have chosen, so all we ask is that you accept or at least tolerate the path we have chosen to adhere to our values and beliefs. The imposition of Gay affirmative therapy on us is unethical, unjust, oppressive and traumatic.