Jimmy, Austria
My early childhood was marked by a sensitive and artistic temperament. At pre-teen age, my older cousin who was also my best friend, introduced me into sexuality in inappropriate ways. This exposure led to shared sexual experiences during one summer, experiences that he outgrew by the next year, leaving me feeling isolated, rejected and confused. A state that gradually developed into SSA as I entered my teenage years, overshadowing the typical OSA I shared with other boys.
During these formative years, I kept my feelings secret, burdened by a deep sense of shame and insecurity, partly stemming from my Muslim upbringing. At school, I found comfort in the company of girls, as it felt safer and less vulnerable than being around boys. Despite forming relationships with girls, who were quite fond of me, I felt a persistent disconnect due to my lack of complete sexual attraction to them. I was acting out a role, far removed from my true self, struggling with unacknowledged needs and desires. My school life was marked by an active participation in sports, yet I deliberately avoided soccer and other male-dominated sports, hindered by my insecurities. A particularly striking memory is from a religious class where the Islamic teacher vehemently denounced homosexuality, stating that homosexuals were doomed to ‘burn in hell.’ This statement triggered a flood of memories from that summer with my cousin, filling me with dread and anxiety. In a rare moment of courage, I inquired if this condemnation also applied to children who were unaware of their actions. After class, I returned home, emotionally drained, and for the first time, I hinted at my childhood experiences with my sister and later, my mother. Their reaction, focused more on anger towards my teacher than my experiences, was indicative of my family’s overall approach to problems – avoidance rather than confrontation.
My father was always preoccupied with work, leaving little room for bonding, resulting in few happy shared memories. My mother, dominant and assertive, ran the household. As I grew, my rebellion against her, the family’s cultural norms, and anything that opposed my personal wishes grew stronger. Despite these challenges, I excelled in my career. It was in this period that I formed a deep friendship with a colleague at work that would later reveal the full extent of my SSA. Around the same time I started dating a girl and eventually married her soon in my early 20s only to get divorced after some years when my son was still a baby. This tragic event was a big challenge that led me to the beginning of my healing journey.
Now, more than a decade later, I feel closer to my true self than ever before. I got remarried and have a loving family. I’m still working on healthy, meaningful and deep connections with my loved ones every day.
What sort of things helped you in your journey and through your struggle?
I participated in a healing seminar led by a well known member of the SSA community, which deepened my understanding not only of SSA but also of the journey towards healing. There, I met other men facing similar challenges, and connecting with them was an immensely relieving experience. Some of them became my mentors and continued to work with me for years after the seminar. My healing process included voice dialogue, inner child work, meditation, and some sessions with a therapist. Reading books about SSA and trauma also enhanced my understanding. I developed a variety of healthy habits, including different sports, maintaining a healthy diet, and traveling extensively. Additionally, I found a religious teacher whom I greatly respect, and this helped in realigning my spirituality.
What things did not help you in your journey?
Reading Nicolosi’s books right in the beginning of my healing journey left me frustrated and depressed. But because I was stubborn, I tried reading them again (against the advice of my Mentors), and failed again. Not being consistent with my work and working on too many things at the same time. Working on the easy things and leaving the hard things aside.