Mehrosh – Islamabad, Pakistan

There was no precedent for my SSA, for as long as I can remember, I looked at girls differently, the way my peers described their attraction to boys was the way I felt towards girls, as well as guys, however, my attraction to guys has decreased considerably over time while my SSA remains prominent.. more so as I studied in an all-girls school. I have always had a very sensual nature despite no sexual trauma from a young age, so everything that my peers discovered later in puberty, I had already discovered and lesbians/gays/bisexuals/transsexuals were never talked about in my desi household so I never knew that being attracted to girls was something unique or different. I considered my feelings to be very natural and nothing out of the ordinary. With the introduction of the internet and stepping into my teenage years, the presence of social media in my life, access to the LGBTQ+ community was easy while sitting down and hearing my parents, cousins and clerics on Fridays talk about “sodomites” being hell-bound and damned was very difficult. Naturally, the LGBTQ+ community attracted me but due to my faith, no matter the little degree it was at the given moment, in conversations within the LGBTQ+ community I felt out of place in conversations around SSE and marriage to the same sex. Then, Allah guided me to His deen and the more I researched, the more I felt terrorized and anxious, fearful of my own self as a LOT of my personality was built around my own SSA and the acts that I had committed in that state of lust and “YOLO”. Finding a community of Muslims from all over the world, of all ages through The Straight Struggle has been my ground and it’s what I look back to for support and understanding as I now struggle to align myself more with my deen. I ask Allah for His repentance when I fall back into my habits, lustful and sexual trances and coping mechanisms. However, I am more than willing to strive hard in this short life for Allah’s contentment with my struggle for His sake in the eternal life, InShaAllah.

What sort of things helped you in your journey and through your struggle?

First and foremost, having friends and family who are Muslims accept me as I am, with my SSA. Unless we have that, it becomes very difficult to feel positive emotions towards Islam and a willingness to identify as a Muslim. Secondly, Sheikh Yasir Qadhi’s video on “The attitude of Muslims towards Homosexuality” was the first non-hostile approach I saw towards queer-Muslims from a scholar, it made me cry with happiness. Thirdly, the discord group chat of The Straight Struggle has been a HUGEEEE HUGE HUGE rock for me amongst fluctuations in iman, I feel safe in the group to chat with people from all walks of life, different ages and ethnicities coming together to share their struggles with SSA and give words of hope, understanding and affirmation. It helps a ton.

What things did not help you in your journey?

Social Media is definitely a challenging thing to navigate especially for someone trying to kill their lust. I’m a fan of KPOP and that’s been a big hindrance because at the time it makes me feel happy and fulfilled when I’m down but the fanservice, shipping and fans from the LGBTQ+ community make it difficult to move out of the “LGBTQ+ community” mindset and focus on my faith. As well as that, series and anime with girls in revealing clothing makes it very easy to stray into sexual feelings.

Any additional comments you wish to make?

I wish everyone finds a community of their own that helps them disassociate from the labels of the LGBTQ+ community and make it easier for them to identify as a Muslim more than anything. Ameen.